It’s officially week three. The third week since I arrived in New York. The third week that I’ve been working as an ad sales intern at Fox. Three weeks, it doesn’t seem that long does it? Yet for some reason recently I constantly find myself looking over the past three weeks and thinking that it seems like I’ve been here for months. The amount I’ve learned in my first three weeks, the memories that I’ve acquired, and the experiences that I will never forget are priceless. But even so, I can’t help but feel like there’s something there pulling at me from underneath.
Ever since I started my internship at Fox there’s been this constant barrage of people telling me that from now on it is solely up to me to make my career what I want it to be. From executive vice presidents, to my supervisors, and even to my parents I’ve felt a single point continually get hammered into me, and that’s that my path and my start in the working world is not far away. To be honest that scares the living crap out of me. Let me give a little explanation as to why that is.
Ever since high school I thought that I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life in terms of a career choice. I chose business, specifically marketing, in high school based off of what I felt like I would enjoy, and furthermore based off of what I felt like I could be good at. You see, at a young age I was never great at math or science. I know right? Not exactly your typical asian student. For some reason I lacked the basic understanding of how numbers worked and how the scientific world around me operated. So how did I arrive at business? Well I knew I was good at talking and beyond that I knew that I was creative. But beyond that I knew that with those skills, business was really the only career field where I had the opportunity to make a good amount of money.
Now that I look back on it, I can’t say that I regret the decision I made back in high school. But as I look back, I can’t believe that high school is already two years in the past. I look at my accomplishments, everything I’ve worked so hard for and I come to realization that in the end it doesn’t feel like it was worth it. From high school and into my first year of college I constantly was focused on making sure my grades were tip top. There was always a reason for getting good grades. Whether it was getting into college from high school, or ensuring that I could get a good internship during my first two years of college, there was always a reason for me to continue to try, to continue to put my all in everything I did. And I actually accomplished that. I accomplished almost every goal that I had set forth for myself.
And yet, now even as I look back on it I can’t help but feel dissatisfied. Almost as if everything I did, all the effort I put into it wasn’t really worth the outcome that I’m seeing now. I guess my entire life I’ve been fed the thought that when I got into my ultimate career field that I would love what I did and that would drive me to continue doing it for the rest of my life. But then I guess I never thought of the fact that it’s for the REST OF MY LIFE. How can you make a decision after 19 years of life on what you want to pursue for the rest of your given life?
So back to the present. In the past three weeks I’ve learned so much already about the industry of marketing and business. It’s remarkable watching the process of creating an advertisement for a business and taking it through the process of creation to putting it on a network. I’ve met wonderful people and I’ve had the opportunity to meet some of the most esteemed employees at Fox. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my internship. I’ve enjoyed every single day of it. I feel like each day I show up in that building I learn more than I could have ever learned inside a college classroom. It has met and exceeded every expectation that I could have had for an internship.
But working in this industry, it’s suddenly hit me that I’m going to need to start worrying about getting a job in a year. How is that possible? Last month I was a middle school student. Last week I was a high school student. And just yesterday I was a freshman college student wondering what the University of Washington had in store for me. It blows my mind that my career begins in a year. Already, before I’ve even graduated I’m going through one advertising agency after another, planning out where I want to apply for a job in the upcoming year. To be honest I just can’t help but constantly question myself on what I’m doing. I’m only 19, how is it possible that this is happening? Is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I letting my passion to pursue a good career overwrite everything else that makes me, me? Question after question constantly bombards me and I’m starting to feel like I’m being overwhelmed and beyond that I’m still continually questioning myself, asking the question am I good enough?
I know that in God’s eyes I am for sure good enough, and that should be enough. But I can’t seem to convince myself that that is enough. I’m so confused and so caught up in this vision of who I want to become that I think I’m losing touch of who I actually am now. I know this is something that I need to figure out, but sometimes I wonder if I’m actually ever meant to figure it all out. I guess all I’m asking for is God’s strength at this point because He knows I can’t make it through all of this without Him. I trust in Him and that He has an ultimate plan for me. I can’t see it yet but I know it’s there. The hard part now is just to continue believing…and I sure hope I can keep doing that.