Dare You To Move

Filling Footprints

It’s officially week three. The third week since I arrived in New York. The third week that I’ve been working as an ad sales intern at Fox. Three weeks, it doesn’t seem that long does it? Yet for some reason recently I constantly find myself looking over the past three weeks and thinking that it seems like I’ve been here for months. The amount I’ve learned in my first three weeks, the memories that I’ve acquired, and the experiences that I will never forget are priceless. But even so, I can’t help but feel like there’s something there pulling at me from underneath. 

Ever since I started my internship at Fox there’s been this constant barrage of people telling me that from now on it is solely up to me to make my career what I want it to be. From executive vice presidents, to my supervisors, and even to my parents I’ve felt a single point continually get hammered into me, and that’s that my path and my start in the working world is not far away. To be honest that scares the living crap out of me. Let me give a little explanation as to why that is. 

Ever since high school I thought that I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life in terms of a career choice. I chose business, specifically marketing, in high school based off of what I felt like I would enjoy, and furthermore based off of what I felt like I could be good at. You see, at a young age I was never great at math or science. I know right? Not exactly your typical asian student. For some reason I lacked the basic understanding of how numbers worked and how the scientific world around me operated. So how did I arrive at business? Well I knew I was good at talking and beyond that I knew that I was creative. But beyond that I knew that with those skills, business was really the only career field where I had the opportunity to make a good amount of money. 

Now that I look back on it, I can’t say that I regret the decision I made back in high school. But as I look back, I can’t believe that high school is already two years in the past. I look at my accomplishments, everything I’ve worked so hard for and I come to realization that in the end it doesn’t feel like it was worth it. From high school and into my first year of college I constantly was focused on making sure my grades were tip top. There was always a reason for getting good grades. Whether it was getting into college from high school, or ensuring that I could get a good internship during my first two years of college, there was always a reason for me to continue to try, to continue to put my all in everything I did. And I actually accomplished that. I accomplished almost every goal that I had set forth for myself.

And yet, now even as I look back on it I can’t help but feel dissatisfied. Almost as if everything I did, all the effort I put into it wasn’t really worth the outcome that I’m seeing now. I guess my entire life I’ve been fed the thought that when I got into my ultimate career field that I would love what I did and that would drive me to continue doing it for the rest of my life. But then I guess I never thought of the fact that it’s for the REST OF MY LIFE. How can you make a decision after 19 years of life on what you want to pursue for the rest of your given life? 

So back to the present. In the past three weeks I’ve learned so much already about the industry of marketing and business. It’s remarkable watching the process of creating an advertisement for a business and taking it through the process of creation to putting it on a network. I’ve met wonderful people and I’ve had the opportunity to meet some of the most esteemed employees at Fox. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my internship. I’ve enjoyed every single day of it. I feel like each day I show up in that building I learn more than I could have ever learned inside a college classroom. It has met and exceeded every expectation that I could have had for an internship. 

But working in this industry, it’s suddenly hit me that I’m going to need to start worrying about getting a job in a year. How is that possible? Last month I was a middle school student. Last week I was a high school student. And just yesterday I was a freshman college student wondering what the University of Washington had in store for me. It blows my mind that my career begins in a year. Already, before I’ve even graduated I’m going through one advertising agency after another, planning out where I want to apply for a job in the upcoming year. To be honest I just can’t help but constantly question myself on what I’m doing. I’m only 19, how is it possible that this is happening? Is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Am I letting my passion to pursue a good career overwrite everything else that makes me, me? Question after question constantly bombards me and I’m starting to feel like I’m being overwhelmed and beyond that I’m still continually questioning myself, asking the question am I good enough? 

I know that in God’s eyes I am for sure good enough, and that should be enough. But I can’t seem to convince myself that that is enough. I’m so confused and so caught up in this vision of who I want to become that I think I’m losing touch of who I actually am now. I know this is something that I need to figure out, but sometimes I wonder if I’m actually ever meant to figure it all out. I guess all I’m asking for is God’s strength at this point because He knows I can’t make it through all of this without Him. I trust in Him and that He has an ultimate plan for me. I can’t see it yet but I know it’s there. The hard part now is just to continue believing…and I sure hope I can keep doing that. 

West vs. East

It’s officially been one week since I arrived in New York and I have learned so much. From adjusting from one culture to another to learning the customs and norms of the East Coast, I think I’m still kind of in disbelief that I am where I am right now. To think that three months ago I was still scrambling to find an internship I don’t think I could have ever imagined that I would someday be in New York City working in one of the largest media companies in the world. 

So before I get into too much detail of what I’ve done let me just share a few key things that I’ve learned about living in New York: 

Efficiency is key. Whether it’s in the work you do or whether it’s simply trying to get from one destination to another efficiency is the name of the game here in the big apple. From the very first moment I arrived in the city, even though it was simply walking from one destination to another I found that I would never be stopped at a crosswalk waiting for the streetlight to change. Instead I’d be cutting down another street, going past another block, and cutting back up a street in order to zig zag my way across the city blocks to get to my final destination. No matter where I was heading there was always a most efficient way to get there and there wasn’t any time to simply stop to wait for a light to change. 

Every space is cramped. Unlike the West Coast, everything in New York City is super cramped! Even when it comes to grocery shopping I can’t turn one way or another without being in the way of another person and even though I’ve learned to adjust to the small tight spaces that you have to fit through, it still took some time for me to get used to the fact that in a city like New York, space is something that isn’t to be taken for granted. 

West Coast Rain ≠ East Coast Rain. When it rains in Washington you can probably just put on a jacket and go out and be just fine. When it starts raining in New York, I don’t care if you have an umbrella and a rain gear, you are still going to get wet and that much is a guarantee. 

It’s been a fun week so far and I’ve already learned a ton about what it’s like to live in New York. Whether or not this is somewhere that I could see myself living long term remains to be seen but I’m enjoying myself so far and for that I’m happy. I hope everyone is well back in Seattle! I miss you all and I can’t wait till I get to see you guys again!

Exposed: The Aftermath

It’s one thing to say that you’re going to do something. It’s another to actually take action and do it. Last night was a true testament to the fact that with God on my side I can really do all things. If you had told me 6 months ago that I would go on to put together an event like Exposed I would have told you that you were crazy. That there was no way that I could have done that with everything that was going on in my life. 

If you told me 6 months ago that I would be in the position that I am in today, watching videos of the performances that happened last night I would have told you to forget about it, that it never goes the way we picture it to go. After months of preparation, meetings, and endless hours of wondering whether or not we could actually pull it off Exposed actually went off without a hitch. It’s curious isn’t it? How a simple idea can bloom into something so much bigger? 

Honestly even as I sit here and write this down I’m still in disbelief that last night actually happened. I think the entire night was such a blur that I didn’t even really take the time to sit down, close my eyes, and just breathe. I was in such a rush to do one task after another, to direct one person after another that I forgot to just take it in. To just enjoy the fact that our performers were upon the stage doing what they loved the most, and that our audience didn’t care about the mistakes that occurred, but rather just wanted to be there in community to support the ones that they loved the most. THAT I think is what I saw today when I looked back at what had just happened. 

You see, because even though I had so many visions and so many ideas for what I wanted Exposed to be about, in the end the event did the very thing that it was supposed to. And that was to provide these amazing performers an opportunity to show the people around them how truly talented they were and how much they had to offer to God. Because when I look back at last night now I don’t think about the lineup, the timings, or the lighting that had to happen to make a successful production.

Instead when I think back to last night I smile at the stupid jokes that Marvin and Charis made on stage as the MC’s. I look in awe at the amazing cinematography displayed in Matt Kumasaka’s short. I jump up and down in excitement with the enthusiasm of band members of AACF. I remember and feel the passion and joy in the music that Amia and Phoebe played. I dive deeper into the words that Brian Park spoke. I understand the depth of Venise’s love for dance and what it truly means in her walk with God. I’m amazed at the talent displayed through the movements of Kay Kay as she dances to Kari Jobe. And I allow myself to be immersed in Megan’s voice as she sings the most soothing songs that I have ever heard. 

You see because even though last night I was freaking out trying to get everything to work perfectly, it was actually the imperfections of the night that made the night memorable and ACTUALLY perfect. Nothing EVER can replace that. And when I hear the feedback from the audience, of people who say they want to see this event happen again and again, year after year, I am encouraged. Because I know that it was truly what God was telling me to do and that it was a confirmation from HIM that if I allow myself to let go and trust in only HIM that in the end everything will work according to HIS plan. 

From the very beginning Exposed was just a small idea. A slight glimmer of what it might look like if we allowed the talent in our local community to be revealed and furthermore what it would look like if that talent was used to glorify God. Last night was a small glimpse at what is yet to come for Exposed. Whether it be next year or in ten years, the hope is that this passion, this fire for performing for God would never fade. And that it would transform not only individual lives but generations. And in the end we can all look back and say that it started with three simple words. 

Reflection. Expression. Impression. 

To Love At All Is To Be Vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

- C.S. Lewis

You know I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote. Reading it over and over again and trying to discern exactly what it means and furthermore, why God recently brought it to light in my life. For those of you reading this now I’m warning you in advance that what I’m about to write is purely a rant and that I’m just trying to keep myself sane right now with the things that are going on in my life. If this reflects poorly upon your view of me as a person then that’s fine, because I think this is what it’s meant to do. To get out the dark side of me and to get out the things that I’m thinking, whether or not they are necessarily true. 

C.S. Lewis says that “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” Well that much is true. And recently I’ve continued to find out how vulnerable it is exactly that you become when you begin to “love” those around you. When you choose to pour your heart out to those around you you immediately pin yourself up as a target for the world to see. A target that gets ripped into time after time again until you hit a point where you don’t really know if you can take it anymore. I think I’ve gotten to that point now, so where does it let up?

You know, in this quote C.S. Lewis discourages giving up and locking our heart away so that it can never be hurt. He claims that if we do that then what will happen is that our hearts will become “unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” But to be honest is that worst than simply feeling like crap every time your heart is broken. 

So yes, putting yourself out there and “loving” will make your heart “vulnerable,” but at this point, to be honest, I’d rather lock away my heart so that I didn’t have to feel at all. You know what makes it worst is the fact that not only did God have to show me exactly how vulnerable that I had become but He also had to raise my hopes up only to crush them. Because there’s no way in this world that I can simply deal with rejection without having to first get a glimpse of what it might feel if I were to, God forbid, know what being loved by someone else might feel like. 

I am so sick and tired of being vulnerable and placing myself out there for the world to see. You would think that at some point in time that God would have to let up, that He would finally show me what He’s trying to teach me through all of this but I see absolutely nothing. Even in those who I thought that I could trust, those that I thought for so many years represented something that was real and tangible. God seems to want to pull all of that apart and reveal to me that people are NEVER who they seem to be. They will tell you one thing or another and trick you into believing in something that doesn’t exist. And when you finally let your guard down and put yourself out there that’s when they shut you down and show you their true side. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” Sure C.S. Lewis I got your point. If I put myself out there I’m bound to get broken. Well you know what I think I could have figured that out from the very beginning, but what you haven’t told me is what to do after my heart is broken. Because it sure as hell is broken now and I honestly don’t know what’s better. A broken heart or one that is intact and unbreakable.